I have a short fuse today. Even the slightest thing makes me upset. I am moment by mement telling myself that it's my problem and taking deep breaths so I don't bite someone's head off. My office phone just quit working. Dang it...can I get a break today? Makenna was VERY difficult this morning. My teenager, Rene'e is flipping out (as usual for this time of year.) From now to end of January she has the hardest time with the holidays and her birthmom's birthday which is Janiary 21st. I think she just wishes she was back with her birth family. I can't help her with that..she's just gotta wrestle with it and work it out. Every year is the same and we brace ourselves to deal with her self distructive behavior. We dole out the consequences and try our best to be understanding and loving. But after 8 years, oh man are we dry and barely able to deal with it. "Not today," I was thinking yesterday...I just didn't have it in me to be reasonable with her. So I went to bed. I took two sleeping pills because this stupid seizure medicine has my mind all hopped up...not to mention the delay in the surgery. I woke up with a bomber headache. Perfect.
My sister, Lyndi called me yesterday. She told me I was STRUNG OUT! She was right. I just don't get it! WHY is this happening to me??? As of now, this surgery would be underway but NOOOO I have to wait. I am being a baby today. I know this. I can see it in the way I'm writing. I am embarassed but I have to get the feelings out I guess.
I'm at work and I am desperately trying to get myself in the frame of mind to get something done. My work requires concentration..of which has proven to be very difficult on these meds. Add to that the stress of delaying the surgery and anxiety and you have the trifecta (spelling??) and a narly situation. BUT...I will do it. I have to. I need to man!
Doug has been awesome. He's been totally absorbing the shock. Not responding. Not getting angry with me. Just an awesome partner and friend. I love that he knows me, that he understands what this feels like without me saying a word. I'm so blessed. God blessed me. I don't deserve this man and yet here he is.
Diane will be here friday. She is my life-long friend and has totally walked this out with me so far. I am grateful that we'll have some time together before I head into the hospital. She's the kind of friend that just knows what to say and when to say it. She let's me get mad and doesn't try to fix it. She gets mad with me sometimes and tells me that it sucks! I just love her. EVERYONE should have a Didi in there life, everyone. Can't wait to see her Friday afternoon.
I'm grateful for all the support I have because without it, I'd lose it..I mean it...totally lose it. Short fuse? Yup! But after spilling my heart on this page...I know I can get through it! Thank you Lord!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Well I made it through today.
I made it through today. Truthfully, I did not think I was gonna get through today. I am confident that I now know what it feels like to have an anxiety attack! A bonified anxiety attack.
I am grateful that I had a day to spend with my kids. I took Nate to McDonalds. While he played, I got to chatting with a sweet lady named Cindy. She had an adorable grandchild named Connor. Before I knew it, I had told her about today and adopting my kiddos and after I left I just laughed because God knew exactly what I needed to do. She was kind and a good ear. She told me about her grandson and for just a few minutes I forgot about all this stupid stuff I'm going through.
I took a long walk with my kids and enjoyed the sweet fall afternoon. I made a yummy pasta and pesto dinner. Ate it and then purposefully connected ith each of my babies.
Nine more days like that and we'll be there....
I am grateful that I had a day to spend with my kids. I took Nate to McDonalds. While he played, I got to chatting with a sweet lady named Cindy. She had an adorable grandchild named Connor. Before I knew it, I had told her about today and adopting my kiddos and after I left I just laughed because God knew exactly what I needed to do. She was kind and a good ear. She told me about her grandson and for just a few minutes I forgot about all this stupid stuff I'm going through.
I took a long walk with my kids and enjoyed the sweet fall afternoon. I made a yummy pasta and pesto dinner. Ate it and then purposefully connected ith each of my babies.
Nine more days like that and we'll be there....
Timing is everything...
What the hell is going on. I was all ready to head down to spokane this afternoon. Getting the guest rooms ready for Mom and Diane (my best friend) and I get a call from the hospital....no problem. "we're calling to go over your treatment plan for tomorrow" Okay. "Do you have any allergies?" He asks. "Yes, I am allergic to Latex." Let me call down to the OR and let them know, hold on a minute." So I wait. He comes back on the line a few moments later, "I hate to tell you this but your brain surgery has been rescheduled for next Friday." THAT'S 10 days from now. "Call your doctor's office." He says. I called my doctor. Evidentally, he has a NeuroConference ans is traveling vary far on Saturday morning. He just doesn't feel confortable leaving me only two days after the surgery....just in case something goes wrong.
Nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I have literally counted down the days and then hours to today. Scared. Worried. PETRIFIED! Not knowing how I was gonna get through until today. Then today gets here and I get this call. Crap. No control. I have NO CONTROL. I'm so angry! I'm angry because I'm suffering with this horribl, horrible pain in my face and head and I just want it to be over.
How in the world am I going to get through the next 9 days? I don' t know. I just don't know.
On one hand, I am grateful for a doctor who doesn't want to hand me off and leave, "just in case" On the other hand I'm pissed off that he didn't check his schedule...that SOMEBODY in the bloody office didn't do their JOB and that this stupid thing is stretched out for another 10 days.
I called Mom and Diane and told them and now thier lives are on hold and messed up too. Man this is unfair....I know, even as the words come out of my mouth that I'm being selfish. Someone already said..."Well God's timing is everything." Truthfully??? I wanted to slap em right then and there!~ I know God's timing is everything..I really do. But I'm waiting for someone to cut a hole in my head...A HOLE...and move my brain around....so pardon me if I'm a little TENSE!!!!
I'll get though it...I know I will. Reschedule. Revamp. Adjust. Give up control. Let God be God. CRAP.
Nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I have literally counted down the days and then hours to today. Scared. Worried. PETRIFIED! Not knowing how I was gonna get through until today. Then today gets here and I get this call. Crap. No control. I have NO CONTROL. I'm so angry! I'm angry because I'm suffering with this horribl, horrible pain in my face and head and I just want it to be over.
How in the world am I going to get through the next 9 days? I don' t know. I just don't know.
On one hand, I am grateful for a doctor who doesn't want to hand me off and leave, "just in case" On the other hand I'm pissed off that he didn't check his schedule...that SOMEBODY in the bloody office didn't do their JOB and that this stupid thing is stretched out for another 10 days.
I called Mom and Diane and told them and now thier lives are on hold and messed up too. Man this is unfair....I know, even as the words come out of my mouth that I'm being selfish. Someone already said..."Well God's timing is everything." Truthfully??? I wanted to slap em right then and there!~ I know God's timing is everything..I really do. But I'm waiting for someone to cut a hole in my head...A HOLE...and move my brain around....so pardon me if I'm a little TENSE!!!!
I'll get though it...I know I will. Reschedule. Revamp. Adjust. Give up control. Let God be God. CRAP.
Friday, October 8, 2010
God is my...
God is my SOURCE
God is my STRENGTH
God is my EVER PRESENT HELP IN TIMES OF TROUBLE
God is my REFUGE
God is my STRONG TOWER
God is my FATHER
God is my HEALER
God is my PROTECTOR
God is my SHIELD
God is my FRIEND
God is my EVERYTHING
Just needed to see all that in BLACK AND WHITE right now....Ahhhh I feel much better!
God is my STRENGTH
God is my EVER PRESENT HELP IN TIMES OF TROUBLE
God is my REFUGE
God is my STRONG TOWER
God is my FATHER
God is my HEALER
God is my PROTECTOR
God is my SHIELD
God is my FRIEND
God is my EVERYTHING
Just needed to see all that in BLACK AND WHITE right now....Ahhhh I feel much better!
Anxiety....
I am anxious today. I am at work today and Monday and then off for over a month for sure. In 5 days from now, I will be in the hospital allowing...WILLINGLY... for someone to but a burr hole the size of a 50 cent piece in the side of my skull. This is CRAZY stuff, that's for certain. The alternative is even more crazy...continuing to live with the pulling and burning and aching and pain in the entire left side of my head. Sometimes it's not as bad as others, but mostly it's on the edge of madness...The medication I take is enough to keep a horse from having a seizure and it just keeps it at bay, I say. The medication causes me to be drowsy and forgetful and confused and tired. My ability to concentrate is minimal. My work requires concetration as I work with numbers. I can't stay at it very long or a feel like I'm gonna pass out, so I take frequent breaks and rest. To top it off, I can't sleep well. I get about 1 good nights sleep out of 5 and on a good night, I'm up 4-5 times. On a bad night, I dont fall asleep until 2 or 4 and I'm up at 7. I hope after the surgery this will resolve as I ween off the medication.
I know I need to stop complaining. It's just this has been going on for over a year. I think as Surgery Day approaches and I can see hope over the horizon, I'm letting my big tough guard down and starting to believe that this nightmare might be over soon. It's been a long year and a half. I can't remember life before this, life without this awful pain. Everyting I do and everything I say is thru a filter of this horrible disorder. I've been reading a few threads on a Website about Trigeminal Neuralgia and there are people who have excellent results and people who do not. There are those who experience terrible complications and those who do not. There are those who breeze through the surgery with little pain and those who struggle for weeks and months. Where will I fall in this process? Can I even begin to hope that I will be one of the fortunate ones? One who will skip though this without so much as a blip? I think the recovery will be hard. But I have to believe that after it's over, I will be well. I've got to believe that. I just have to.
I know I need to stop complaining. It's just this has been going on for over a year. I think as Surgery Day approaches and I can see hope over the horizon, I'm letting my big tough guard down and starting to believe that this nightmare might be over soon. It's been a long year and a half. I can't remember life before this, life without this awful pain. Everyting I do and everything I say is thru a filter of this horrible disorder. I've been reading a few threads on a Website about Trigeminal Neuralgia and there are people who have excellent results and people who do not. There are those who experience terrible complications and those who do not. There are those who breeze through the surgery with little pain and those who struggle for weeks and months. Where will I fall in this process? Can I even begin to hope that I will be one of the fortunate ones? One who will skip though this without so much as a blip? I think the recovery will be hard. But I have to believe that after it's over, I will be well. I've got to believe that. I just have to.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
6 Days and 6 Nights to go....
I will have my Microvascular Decompression surgery in 6 days. I am frightened and scared and everything else you could imagine...I'm trying to work and to cope and finding it difficult. My mind woners often and I have tried to just take breaks to let myself deal with it. The medication is part of the culprite. I'm groggy and tired and my vision is blurry. I feel like I'm walking around in a FOG. In moments of clarity I remember that the impending surgery is coming. My dearest friend is coming to stay for 10 days...and my Mother in law too. I am blessed. Tic Tock....Tic Tock....
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