Anxiety....

I am anxious today.  I am at work today and Monday and then off for over a month for sure.  In 5 days from now, I will be in the hospital allowing...WILLINGLY... for someone to but a burr hole the size of a 50 cent piece in the side of my skull.  This is CRAZY stuff, that's for certain.  The alternative is even more crazy...continuing to live with the pulling and burning and aching and pain in the entire left side of my head.  Sometimes it's not as bad as others, but mostly it's on the edge of madness...The medication I take is enough to keep a horse from having a seizure and it just keeps it at bay, I say.  The medication causes me to be drowsy and forgetful and confused and tired.  My ability to concentrate is minimal.  My work requires concetration as I work with numbers.   I can't stay at it very long or a feel like I'm gonna pass out, so I take frequent breaks and rest.  To top it off, I can't sleep well.  I get about 1 good nights sleep out of 5 and on a good night, I'm up 4-5 times.  On a bad night, I dont fall asleep until 2 or 4 and I'm up at 7.  I hope after the surgery this will resolve as I ween off the medication.
I know I need to stop complaining.  It's just this has been going on for over a year.  I think as Surgery Day approaches and I can see hope over the horizon, I'm letting my big tough guard down and starting to believe that this nightmare might be over soon.  It's been a long year and a half.  I can't remember life before this, life without this awful pain.  Everyting I do and everything I say is thru a filter of this horrible disorder.  I've been reading a few threads on a Website about Trigeminal Neuralgia and there are people who have excellent results and people who do not.  There are those who experience terrible complications and those who do not.  There are those who breeze through the surgery with little pain and those who struggle for weeks and months.  Where will I fall in this process?  Can I even begin to hope that I will be one of the fortunate ones?  One who will skip though this without so much as a blip?  I think the recovery will be hard.  But I have to believe that after it's over,  I will be well.  I've got to believe that.  I just have to.