I have a short fuse today. Even the slightest thing makes me upset. I am moment by mement telling myself that it's my problem and taking deep breaths so I don't bite someone's head off. My office phone just quit working. Dang it...can I get a break today? Makenna was VERY difficult this morning. My teenager, Rene'e is flipping out (as usual for this time of year.) From now to end of January she has the hardest time with the holidays and her birthmom's birthday which is Janiary 21st. I think she just wishes she was back with her birth family. I can't help her with that..she's just gotta wrestle with it and work it out. Every year is the same and we brace ourselves to deal with her self distructive behavior. We dole out the consequences and try our best to be understanding and loving. But after 8 years, oh man are we dry and barely able to deal with it. "Not today," I was thinking yesterday...I just didn't have it in me to be reasonable with her. So I went to bed. I took two sleeping pills because this stupid seizure medicine has my mind all hopped up...not to mention the delay in the surgery. I woke up with a bomber headache. Perfect.
My sister, Lyndi called me yesterday. She told me I was STRUNG OUT! She was right. I just don't get it! WHY is this happening to me??? As of now, this surgery would be underway but NOOOO I have to wait. I am being a baby today. I know this. I can see it in the way I'm writing. I am embarassed but I have to get the feelings out I guess.
I'm at work and I am desperately trying to get myself in the frame of mind to get something done. My work requires concentration..of which has proven to be very difficult on these meds. Add to that the stress of delaying the surgery and anxiety and you have the trifecta (spelling??) and a narly situation. BUT...I will do it. I have to. I need to man!
Doug has been awesome. He's been totally absorbing the shock. Not responding. Not getting angry with me. Just an awesome partner and friend. I love that he knows me, that he understands what this feels like without me saying a word. I'm so blessed. God blessed me. I don't deserve this man and yet here he is.
Diane will be here friday. She is my life-long friend and has totally walked this out with me so far. I am grateful that we'll have some time together before I head into the hospital. She's the kind of friend that just knows what to say and when to say it. She let's me get mad and doesn't try to fix it. She gets mad with me sometimes and tells me that it sucks! I just love her. EVERYONE should have a Didi in there life, everyone. Can't wait to see her Friday afternoon.
I'm grateful for all the support I have because without it, I'd lose it..I mean it...totally lose it. Short fuse? Yup! But after spilling my heart on this page...I know I can get through it! Thank you Lord!!!!!!
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